The Uselessness of a Broken Heart

I tried to listen to that song yesterday, the one we heard together for the first time, standing in the blazing summer heat waiting for our favorite band.

I got through the first two notes, further than ever before, but my hand jerked out and shut the melody off. In that moment my lungs failed me, and my knees buckled, hardly any strength left in them. I clutched at my chest, somehow hoping it would help me fill the gaping hole you left, but it didn’t work.

I lay in a small heap for the longest time- my mom came in to check on me and was worried I had a heart attack. I tried to explain what happened, that it was simply a broken heart, but when I tried to say your name out loud, my mouth couldn’t form the three syllables and I was left staring at her, my mouth gaping.

She left, muttering something about the uselessness of a broken heart, and that’s when I felt the salty tear on my lip. I ran my tongue against it, tasting it, drawing me back to sleepless nights I spent crying over your going.

I had told myself I was over us, everything we’d been through, but I can’t help myself- you were the friend I was supposed to walk the rest of my life with, but the changes that happened between the two of us were too quick for me to keep up with.

So now I wonder- do you still love that band, the one we stayed up all night gossiping over, where you had a favorite, and so did I?

Do you still have the same white carpet, the one I ended up sleeping on because I wanted to make a statement?

Is our picture still in that blue frame, perched comfortably on your white shelf?

Do you sometimes dial my number but remember what happened, quickly deleting it?

Do you still listen to that song, the last one we fell in love with, and fall on the floor to stitch your heart back up?

For more, check out “Healing Broken Hearts”, “About Me: Why Relationships?”, “When We Were Young”, “Old and Lost Friends”, “Love”, “The Best of Yourself”, “You Are Not For Everyone”, “A Dedication to the Way You Tore Me to Pieces”, and “Loving Yourself (pt. 7): How To Cope With Heartbreak”

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