When I first sat down to make a blog over a year and a half ago, I started out with the idea that I would be writing beautiful words about traveling and seeing the world and getting to know what it was all about. It didn’t take too long for me to find out that I had no idea how to do that, nor did I even travel enough in the first place to actually make a blog like that. I didn’t realize I actually had to be fully involved in whatever the topic of my blog would be in order for it to be not only enjoyable to myself as well as to whoever read it. And that it exactly how I stumbled upon the idea of making a blog all about relationships.
When I was in high school, I went through a period where I was depressed, and had nowhere to turn to because it seemed to me that I should just figure it out on my own- after all, that’s how they did it in the movies. I tried to suffocate it, hide it, drown it, kill it- I tried everything, and nothing worked. As time went on, it became so unbearable that it exploded all over everything. My school, swim and social life were all disrupted and suddenly I felt like everything around me was shrouded in the ugliness I had been holding inside. It took me years of cutting myself some slack and talking to counselors and my parents and writing down the storms of emotions I felt in order to feel better, and I still find myself struggling with bad days even now, although today, they feel more manageable than ever before.
When I went through this, I felt alone. It felt like I had no one to talk to and all I could do was push myself to forget about, even though when I was forced to stop and look at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t help but cringe and turn away. That feeling that I was by myself was so far from the truth that I can’t even begin to explain how wrong I was. I couldn’t even see how loved I was and how many people cared for me. But due to my experiences, I was able to embark on a journey of self love that has brought me to a completely new way of seeing the world, and allowed me to understand myself better than ever before. I now understand what those ugly, awful, painful days feel like, but can promise, to any and all going through them, that there are better days ahead, filled with beauty and joy and love like you’ve never experienced.
However, my experience with relationships with others has been somewhat less experienced. I myself have only experienced friendships, but have been watching friends dating others for almost as long as I could remember. Often times, I find people asking me for advice, more often than not for situations I have never actually experienced, which I always found somewhat strange. Not that it’s ever stopped me from actually giving out advice. And as more advice was given, I found a common thread amongst many problems, and would sometimes find myself wondering late at night why some relationships turned out so sour whereas others blossomed, and was quite eager to get to the bottom of this mystery.
I myself have often been entangled in a mess of friends who were never really friends, and struggled to come to terms with the end of friendships many times, but with each termination, I found myself not only growing mentally, but emotionally as well, and saw changes in the ways I saw the world around me because of the truth that I found behind other’s lies.
I don’t want to sit here and pretend I’m a doctor or that I’m even trying to play one, but I’m just here to help myself and others try to understand the complexity behind every relationship, and try to perhaps make sense of the ones in my life a bit more. Perhaps writing my views down and spreading them out into the world will help me, as well as others, come to terms with the ugly mess of relationships we all have piled up in the corners of our minds somewhere.