A lack of body heat next to me- sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep knowing that there used to be someone substantial laying on that perfectly made side of the bed
You wouldn’t know, but sometimes I toss and turn and wonder what the fuck I did wrong to make you leave- i’ve blamed it on everything from the fact I don’t smile enough to the fact I laugh too loudly, and yet I haven’t found the right one yet.
I’ve changed everything about me- improved, as you might say- and yet you still fall asleep in his arms each night, and each night I’m left to console myself with my left hand and sometimes some salty tears that brush my lips just like yours used to do.
I guess this is really goodbye, so I may as well spill it all, right? You were the light in my fucking life, and one of the few things that never failed to make me smile- I never worried about the crippling sadness that sometimes overwhelmed me because I knew you would be there to push it off as quickly as you could, but now, shit, you’re gone, and all I can do is hide from it for as long as possible, and when it finds me, keep my head above those waters that threaten to drown me.
Do you remember that day we met, down by the pier, and you told me I had a beautiful smile? I’ll never forget the way your lips formed those words, and how your eyes met mine- it was as if everything was finally coming together, and it didn’t matter that my grandmother was home dying or my bills were just sitting on my counter unpaid- that’s what you did to me. You made me forget the world and transported me to a place where happiness was available to me in unfathomable amounts.
Did you even fucking realize how much i loved you?
You couldn’t have.
Because if you did you would’ve never let me go. People have told me my love will be enough for someone one day, and for once, I’m going to try and trust them, because I gave you everything and you rejected it. Maybe you couldn’t handle all I had to give, or maybe you just didn’t want it, and you may have ripped me apart, but I’m still here, and I will rebuild even if it kills me.