I did it with a phone call. I knew it had to be done. I mean, I knew it had to be done for too long by that point, but I refused to admit it or acknowledge it because it was easier to pretend all was great rather than to facing the truth.
The phone rang once, just a quick heartbeat, before your voice came through, and a quick hello stopped me in my tracks, hands shaking as I wondered what the hell I was doing. All you had to do was give me a small nudge, prodding me gently to know why I had called when I so often cited my hatred of phone calls.
Once I started talking, it was as though I couldn’t stop. I told you all I found wrong with our relationship, reminding you of the many downfalls and setbacks it had caused, almost all having to do with the lack of similarities between our two distinct personas. The first time I heard my heart break was when the only response I got was, “Yeah, but what else have I done wrong?”
I guess you can never finish listing someone’s wrongs if they can’t even pretend to understand them, but I felt a certain pain in my chest when I heard those demanding words. As though laying my feelings on the table wasn’t enough, I was also expected to give a never ending list of all your wrongdoings.
I was told early on that my first heartbreak would come from the boy I thought I would marry but was actually just a stepping stone. I never thought my heart could be ripped out and stomped on by the very girl I once called my best friend, the first one I thought of texting or visiting whenever something amazing or something terrible happened. It’s been almost a year and a certain pain sears my heart every time I think of you or any memory that has you dancing in the corners.
I let you transform me into someone I never was, ignoring my sister and pretending to be enthralled by a huge house with a movie theater or a boy who was two years younger than you or losing virginity like losing a penny, without a care.
I forced myself to find love where none existed, and to hope for a better future when the current state of affairs was already bad enough. I was a little girl wishing on a broken star for a fantasy that had fallen apart too long ago.