I Hope

I think I let this dumb world convince me that because I was really good at hiding my emotions, it immediately meant I didn’t know how to deal with them. I let it tell me that those who were flamboyant and could bear to share what they felt on a more public stage were the ones who would be ok because they would know what to do when hit by emotions.

I know who I am, I know what I feel- perhaps I don’t flash it to the world every second, and maybe I don’t wear it on my sleeve like others, but I am now fully aware of them, and you know what? I know how to act on them- sure the jump is scary but that’s rarely stopped me. The bravery and courage I’ve often been able to show to not only myself but those around me manages to astound even me sometimes. I mean, the first step is always the scariest but how can you know what you’re missing out on if you don’t fucking take it? Sure, I’ve built walls around my heart, but who hasn’t? Thankfully, I remembered to build a little door to let in a couple people, maximum capacity always growing.

So you know what? Fuck you and your stupid strategies at getting me to feel something because I’m ‘an emotionless stone’- I can feel and I can feel whatever I want. I don’t need your approval nor do I need your opinion. I want to feel this attraction towards men, and i want to feel this love towards my friends, and cutting phrases and childish games will not deter me. Please speak louder behind my back, and continue to glance in my direction seething with hatred that we all know you don’t really feel. I beg of you to shit a little harder on who I am and all I’ve built myself to become, and pretend that you forgot those moments on the dark dance floor. Tear me apart in private and in public, because as you waste your time doing that, I’ll be laughing with those I love, spending my time creating a future and life I want to care for. I’ll make a fool of myself a couple more dozen times, but until I try I won’t know.

And who knows, maybe one day I’ll even grow out of this phase, this phase that’s almost encouraging those like you to hate me because you don’t understand me, and maybe one day I’ll be able to wish you the best in your life, but right now I just can’t bear such love. I can’t bear the fakeness I would need to seethe out of my goddamn body in order to smile at a person I know to be fake, and you’ll have to forgive that for now.

What I will wish you is that one day you can look in the mirror and smile- smile because you love what’s looking back at you. Walk out of your door with confidence because there’s nothing wrong with you owning what you have. I hope you can one day go a day without leeching off a man who knows no better- I hope you can learn to let go of him and hand him to someone who deserves him more than you. I hope you can sit at night and cry to yourself about whatever is happening in your life but still be able to roll on your side and be comfortable with the idea that you have only yourself to find comfort in. I pray that one day you can face life with the vigor and drive and perseverance i know you have somewhere inside you and no longer need sex to get you through the night when smoke occupies your lungs and alcohol flows through your veins. I wish you well, but I most certainly cannot and will not wish you the best today, because as far as I’m concerned, trying to make people feel the way you try to make others feel with your scathing words and petty comments is simply not worthy of the best in life.

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