At this point I just really find myself lost, looking for something I guess I lost years ago and hadn’t realized I lost until recently.
It’s as though there’s a part of me missing, a part of me that I never really remembered to love and honor and fully respect and because of that I always find myself stressed to a level I didn’t even know was possible. Perhaps the problem is I just never really accepted that my problems are a part of me and maybe in my mind they’re the worst part of me, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t love and appreciate them just like I love and appreciate my thighs and my humor and my crazy ideas.
I always thought if I put people in front of me I would be able to be happy because I would be making others happy, and that would be enough to put a smile on my face, but it turns out it’s not enough. Not only do people not appreciate it, but then they also start taking everything you have to give to them for granted. They take your forgiveness for granted, your thoughts, your disposability- all of it is suddenly expected from you. And sometimes, for both your sakes, you just have to rip that out from both of you and spend more time on yourself than others.
Suddenly your heart will feel lighter and your tranquility levels will increase exponentially because the only expectations you have to live up to are your own. And shouldn’t that be that way it is? You should live up to your own expectations and your own ideals and if anyone has a problem with them you should accept what they have to say and move on.
I once read a quote that said, “Forgive them- not because they deserve it, but because you deserve it.” When I first read it I didn’t really think much about it, seeing it as another beautiful string of words that should inspire me to completely change my life but all it was doing was marching circles in my mind. But it marched and marched, leaving a well defined trail behind itself, one that I now find myself often stumbling upon.
People fuck up, it’s in their nature. Of course, I personally have a tendency to expect the worst from them, so that way when they disappoint you in the end it stings a little less, and as morbid as that may be, it doesn’t make me wrong. It most certainly doesn’t take away from the fact that people seem to have a tendency to fuck themselves and those around them over with the careless use of a few angry words or a pang of jealousy a little too strong to be controlled. Sure, sometimes the circumstances are out of their reach and the cards they’re dealt suck, but can’t you argue that the way they react to such a problem is exactly the perfect way to judge them for who they really are? I mean, if you can’t confront the worst life has to throw at you without even bouncing back from it somewhat gracefully then what kind of person are you really?
Yes I know I’m a shitty person and I know I fuck up more times than we could probably even list, but fuck, you all came before me in my list of priorities. Each night we’d lie awake and discuss our problems, and the only encouragement that came out of all your tired mouths was to put myself first for once, and I thought that maybe I should take you up on it- but as soon as I did, everything fell apart, as though I was supposed to hold it together as it cracked me apart.
Well I’m here to say one thing- I’m stronger than whatever you all thought I was, and standing alone in a crowded room is the way I choose to show and feel my courage. Maybe I’ll still hold everything together and sacrifice myself here and there, but now that I know the stuffing you’re made with, don’t for a second think I’ll ever be the girl I once was.